I think... yes... I think I'm going to not post a poem today. I'm going to let you into this stupid, screwed up lump of a thing I call my mind for a few minutes.
I'm going to preface this whole thing by stating that I love sleep. My God I love sleep. I think this is because everything is fair game when you're dreaming. You discover fantasies that you never knew you had. You can also fight crime with elmo and that's somehow ok too. But when you're me, dreams are not always without consequence.
The best thing about you normal people is that if you wake up from a dream, it goes away. It dissolves into a beautiful fog of leftover feelings and a few scattered images. Then you roll over and go back to sleep. I have dreams of sexy people and talking cats and kicking ass the same as you. But, unfortunately for me, when I wake up and my make-out session with Tom Hiddleston is fading fast, the dream world occasionally follows. It isn't Tom that follows me (quite unfortunate) but something else. Things I wasn't even dreaming of in the first place. None of them are ever good.
This blog is sounding more and more like some really lame Nightmare on Elm Street delusion. I don't know how else to explain this weirdness and I'm well aware of how brain damaged I sound. So, In the dark, you can see all sorts of shapes and imagine all kinds of things in that space between awake and dreaming. Makes sense. Your brain doesn't really know what it's looking at yet. But for me, it's not just shadows playing tricks. I literally see things. No, I'm not on drugs or eating weird things before bed. Regardless, I see (in great detail) what are described as hypnagogic hallucinations. Rolls right off the tongue doesn't it?
Why am I telling you about my freaking sleep habits? Because if you're anything like me, you find it damn interesting. Let me explain what happens in my broken brain:
I've been sleeping for about 2 hours. Getting well aquainted with my good friend Tom ;) And something wakes me. Doesn't really matter what because somewhere in the back of my sleepy mind, I already know what's going to happen if I open my eyes. It's ok if I don't open my eyes. I can remain in the comfort of darkness and go back to sleep. But, because I'm a bright penny, I will almost always open my eyes. And what I see... is never, ever good. Sometimes there's a hole in the wall the size of a tennis ball. Pouring out of it are millions of spiders. They're all over the wall. The floor. The ceiling. One huge surge coming toward me. Even if you don't have arachnophobia, that's reason enough to burn the damn apartment to the effing ground. If it's not spiders, then there's the man that stands over by the door some nights, watching me. He doesn't really do anything and I can't see his face. He doesn't try to kill me or something like that, but the fact that he got in without anyone hearing him always perplexes my foggy mind.
Another time I was awakened by an extremely bright light and looked out the window just in time to die from a nuclear explosion. Keep in mind that these aren't dreams. I'm awake for all of this. But not fully. If this is all sounding really screwed up, trust me, it is.
It comforts me to know that I'm not alone with this insanity. That I'm not the only one that sees zombies on my bedroom floor. Sometimes my mind just can't decide whether it's still dreaming or not. That's some Matrix stuff right there. When this first started, there were times where I'd have to jump out of bed simply to wake myself up enough to get rid of the hallucinations. Now I just deal. I know it isn't real, but there's not much I can do to rid myself of the fear. It looks real. It feels real. I honestly hope this isn't something that will be with me always because really, that's pretty messed up.
So at the end of this long ass blog I'm realizing that I have no real point here. But if you don't have these strange ass problems when you're dreaming like I do, I hope you've come to appreciate that fact a bit more now. And if I look tired at work sometimes, maybe now you'll know why.
