All I Want for Christmas is My Sanity

Anger. Fear. Agression. The Dark Side of the holidays are these. Yes, my friends, it's that time of year again when people lose all compassion and kindness for their fellow man. They trample the elderly and beat you over the head with a cub scout to be first in the doors for a sale. Santa what? Jesus who? Who the hell cares, just buy stuff and buy it now! What happened to us?! When did Christmas become so awful? Why when I think of the holidays, does my eye start to twitch?

When I was a kid, I loved everything about Christmas. The colorful lights and music, the egg nog and family. And of course, the presents. Everything seemed to glitter and have a glow to it. Now that I'm older, Christmas has about as much magic in it as the DMV. Some of that probably has to do with that damn kid in 1st grade who told me there was no Santa (thanks a load d-bag). But I think a lot of it just comes with being an adult. I no longer take time to admire the decorations, unless they're my own. If I see someone with a whole bunch of lights on their house, the first thing that pops into my head is: "Geez, their electric bill must be through the roof!" Not very magical. Now I'm not worried so much about making snow angels but about presents and how I'm going to buy them. I constantly worry about money and let me tell you, it sucks. I miss being awed. I miss actually liking Christmas carols.

Christmas has become a long, drawn out process of everyone telling themselves that they don't have enough. We don't have enough stuff. We don't have enough money in which to buy the stuff. We don't have enough time. It's sadder than a wet reindeer. You know something... we have enough. In fact, we have too much freaking stuff. If all of us only got one present this year, that's one present more than a LOT of people are going to get. But we bitch and whine and moan over this junk. Stuff that we're just going to exchange the next day anyways. So... what does Christmas mean to you? In the middle of your holiday shopping will you be willing to smile at that crazy ass person who cut you off in the intersection? Could we maybe forget about the damn x-box for 2 seconds and help that lady over there who dropped her wallet? We need to remember that Christmas stands for something. It MEANS something. And all that it stands for and means has to do with other people. We need to quit being mean, petty and self-absorbed and remember how to love. Now, with all that said... gimmie my presents!

My Thoughts on 2012

Unless you've recently decided to go the way of Obi-Wan Kenobi and become a hermit, you've heard about what we're all in store for in 2012. Just incase you missed the memo: we're all gonna die. And it's not like, some run of the mill asteroid coming to destroy us. Nope. Think of all the ways that a natural disaster could kill you. Ok good. Now think of all of it going on at once. Pleasant, no? From my understanding, that's what's going to happen in 2012. Everything. Solar flares, volcanoes, tsunamis, cannibalism, earthquakes, fires, blackouts and the stay puft marshmallow man. All of it. Just yesterday I watched some show on the Discovery Channel that was explaining our demise, step by horrifying step. Solar flares lead to blackouts, blackouts lead to riots and no more Nintendo wii. Without the wii, people start fires out of boredom and everything burns to the ground right before Yellowstone erupts in a giant cataclysmic explosion. Something like that. Then, just as I was beginning to worry that I didn't have enough money in which to build a giant underground shelter where I could live out my days eating Twinkies until the giant ash cloud clears enough to see the sun... I remembered Y2K.

Do you remember Y2K? We were going to lose all our technology in some strange computer version of a mental breakdown and all our savings, personal information, health records and precious documented Taco Bell receipts would be gone forever. Forever! So we stocked up on a years worth of Spam and lima beans and bought water purification tablets. We converted all our money into bars of gold and bought a gun in which to protect said gold (you laugh at all of this, but this is pretty much what my family did). And what happened when that ball dropped? We all closed our eyes and clenched our teeth and... confetti got in our hair. Nooo! Then we ate spam and lima beans for months and felt stupid. Fabulous.

I do believe, my friends, that the probability of December 21st, 2012 being the end of the world is no bigger than tomorrow being the end. Or March 1st. Or 50 years from now. The great thing about being a Christian is that we believe that we don't know the day or hour when it's all going to end. And that's cool. Because if I knew when it was going to happen, I'd spend a hell of a lot of time freaking out. And who needs to spend their last days in panic and fear? Not me. So, in conclusion: the movie looks like it's gonna suck, and find something valid to freak about. Something that we can do something about. Like world hunger. Or Jay Leno.

Save the Concerts From the Jerks!

This weekend I decided to blow my eardrums out, have my insides liquified by sound waves and assault my nostrils with the B.O. of hundreds of people; many of whom were standing on my feet. I'm talking, of course, about a concert. I love concerts. Even though I can't really hear the lyrics because it's so damn loud or the acoustics suck *cough* fiddlers green *cough*. Even though I can't see most of the time unless everyone simultaneously sits down or I get a glimpse of the lead singer underneath someone's armpit. It's still fun. The energy is nuts and all the sudden I begin to feel like crowd surfing. I don't, mind you, I just feel like it. Or perhaps starting a riot. Because all that energy's gotta go somewhere. Which brings me to my next point.

Why, oh why, are there so many dumbass people that ruin everything? I have yet to go to a concert, sporting event, or other huge public gathering where I haven't been assaulted in some way. I've never been beat up, I'm talking about the nacho cheese down my jacket. Drunk guys falling from 2 rows up onto my head. Once I was at a hockey game and some guy threw his cup of tobacco spit and it hit me and my friends (yes, ew. really, really EWW!). Most of us can jump around and yell and have a freaking great time without punching anyone in the mouth. Or trampling some short person at a concert. It's not cool and it ruins everyone's time. No one wants nacho cheese in their hair! I really, really didn't come to a concert to get hit on by some sweaty, drunk, beligerant, shirtless guy! It would be nice, for once, to just be able to sing and head bang to my favorite band without getting shoved around by rude people. Stop being ass hats and let the rest of us have a good time.