Hallucinations: Essential to Every Corporate Gathering

There was a work meeting today. There's always a freaking meeting. It actually wasn't that boring. I didn't want to stab my thigh with a fork just for something to do. Regardless of the lack of forking, my mind drifted off into the abyss anyway. I can't help it. If they're not talking about ninjas or breakfast burritoes, I'm just not the most attentive audience at 8 in the morning. I don't know what they expect when they don't provide food. Or at the very least coffee... or margaritas.

Anyways, here's a question. You ever sit in a meeting or other public gathering where everyone's polite and attentive and get this incredible urge to do something utterly stupid and ulitmately career-ending? Not because you hate your job or you even want to, but just because your body is sitting still for so long and wouldn't it be oh-so-fun? For example, I'm sitting there, looking at the speaker and drifting off (because I'm well trained and can look in your eyes, nod, and still be thinking of rollercoasters at the same time) and I stage an outburst in my mind. I get up on the table, pump my fist in the air, declair that I love fruity pebbles without milk and then calmly sit back down and fold my hands on the table. You know, something like that. Or y'know, taking your shoes off and putting your feet up on the table and having a nap... or excusing yourself and coming back several minutes later with an egg mcmuffin. Maybe quietly getting up, walking up to the speaker, taking off your gloves (because you can have gloves on in your mind dammit) and smacking them across the face with em. You ever wanna do any of that during a meeting?

It's kind of frightening when you realize just how easy it would be to end your job right then and there if you somehow lost that brain filtering ability. Just that split second of insane, cant-sit-still-anymore-ness and you've lost your job and probably a few of your work friends. Still, wouldn't it be fun to see their faces? Oh the gasps. The drama. These are the things that I think about during meetings. One of these days, just once, I'd like someone to just act on it. My day would get so much better and hey, I'd even pay better attention to meetings from then on. No burritoes or ninjas required.

You're mean. I'm telling.

I've written about my growing road rage, and at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite, I cannot for the life of me figure out why so many people are so angry all the time. The other day, I was driving and was going to turn left, I yeilded to a lady coming from the opposite direction so we didn't, y'know, crash and die. She turned too. I turned after her and was directly behind her car. Not like, tailgating mind you. Just behind her. Standard 2 car lengths and what-not. I don't ride bumpers because I don't want to smoosh my car. Anyway, she decelerated until she almost stopped for absolutely no reason, so I passed her. She then promptly screamed at me out her car window and made obscene gestures. Why? Who the hell knows?! People are just... angry. Visit your local library sometime if you really want to see anger over nothing. Such as those who bitch and complain over how slow the FREE computers are or how their FREE book isn't currently on the shelf. You ever wait tables? You ever had someone make you cry and think you're worthless over some cold mashed potatoes? I have! It's ridiculous. If you wanted perfect potatoes that aren't instant (because you're at a freaking Perkins and there's no real potatoes in sight) you probably should cook them your own lazy self at home. Then when you try to microwave them, it's like the microwave degrades the food somehow (as if Perkins food isn't horrific enough) and they get all pissy. What do you want the waitress to do? Heat them with her laser eyes?

What I'm trying to say is, calm down people. We don't need to be so angry at each other. We don't need to insult someone's humanity because your big mac is taking 4 seconds longer than your last trip to McDonalds. People get so angry over nothing. Nothing. I have a theory. These people with anger issues have nothing worth caring about. Nothing truly meaningful to be angry about... like whole countries starving and people dying. No, they don't care about things like that. All they care about is themselves and getting their stupid blockbuster rental that damn well better be on the shelf. So... stop being angry, stop being selfish and stop making your local librarians want to hang themselves over your missing book.