The Perils of Being Mono-riffic

Generally, I don't really post blogs on how my body is functioning. It's creepy. No one wants to read that crap. However, I had an experience a couple of weeks ago that's just to craptacular not to share. Never, my friends, get mono. Don't do it. See, unlike those of you who may be...promiscuous kissers... I got mono randomly. From the kitchen utensils at work, the airborne spit of dozens of library patrons- who freaking knows. But I got it. At first I thought: "I need a nap. I'm kind of achy," and that eventually turned into: "I can't shower today because I can't get out of bed." Unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating.

Mono makes you tired. More tired than you've ever been in your whole life. So tired that watching anything longer than an episode of Family Guy is physically exhausting. And I was weak. Like, I have to sit down after walking up the stairs weak. All you can stomach is liquids. That's if you can swallow the orange juice because now the lymph nodes in your neck are the size of lemons and feel like they've been scrubbed down with a wire brush. Also, the inside of your throat looks like and feels like raw hamburger meat. Joy and rapture! About a week into it, a sharp pain started to develop on my left side. It's ok. It only hurt when I breathed...that would be my swollen spleen. Which I was warned could rupture if I went to karate or snowboarded or did anything more strenuous than lift a fluffy kitten.

About this time, I started looking online to see how long I had left to live. I've been really sick before. With stomach flu and bronchitis. I didn't think anything could ever make me want to see God in person more than the stomach flu, but I was wrong. From what I read online, I got off easy. There was one kid who wrote about having to be carried to the bathroom because he was too weak to walk down the hallway. Holy crap. Another person had horrid symptoms for a good 3 months. Mine only lasted for 2 weeks. The most fantastic mono-riffic fact of all though is that once you've had mono, you have it forever. And you're a carrier. So now and again the virus is active in your saliva. That's fabulous.

So in conclusion, swollen organs equals bad and forks from your workplace kitchen should probably never be used. And also... what the hell is a spleen for?