Hallucinations: Essential to Every Corporate Gathering

There was a work meeting today. There's always a freaking meeting. It actually wasn't that boring. I didn't want to stab my thigh with a fork just for something to do. Regardless of the lack of forking, my mind drifted off into the abyss anyway. I can't help it. If they're not talking about ninjas or breakfast burritoes, I'm just not the most attentive audience at 8 in the morning. I don't know what they expect when they don't provide food. Or at the very least coffee... or margaritas.

Anyways, here's a question. You ever sit in a meeting or other public gathering where everyone's polite and attentive and get this incredible urge to do something utterly stupid and ulitmately career-ending? Not because you hate your job or you even want to, but just because your body is sitting still for so long and wouldn't it be oh-so-fun? For example, I'm sitting there, looking at the speaker and drifting off (because I'm well trained and can look in your eyes, nod, and still be thinking of rollercoasters at the same time) and I stage an outburst in my mind. I get up on the table, pump my fist in the air, declair that I love fruity pebbles without milk and then calmly sit back down and fold my hands on the table. You know, something like that. Or y'know, taking your shoes off and putting your feet up on the table and having a nap... or excusing yourself and coming back several minutes later with an egg mcmuffin. Maybe quietly getting up, walking up to the speaker, taking off your gloves (because you can have gloves on in your mind dammit) and smacking them across the face with em. You ever wanna do any of that during a meeting?

It's kind of frightening when you realize just how easy it would be to end your job right then and there if you somehow lost that brain filtering ability. Just that split second of insane, cant-sit-still-anymore-ness and you've lost your job and probably a few of your work friends. Still, wouldn't it be fun to see their faces? Oh the gasps. The drama. These are the things that I think about during meetings. One of these days, just once, I'd like someone to just act on it. My day would get so much better and hey, I'd even pay better attention to meetings from then on. No burritoes or ninjas required.

You're mean. I'm telling.

I've written about my growing road rage, and at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite, I cannot for the life of me figure out why so many people are so angry all the time. The other day, I was driving and was going to turn left, I yeilded to a lady coming from the opposite direction so we didn't, y'know, crash and die. She turned too. I turned after her and was directly behind her car. Not like, tailgating mind you. Just behind her. Standard 2 car lengths and what-not. I don't ride bumpers because I don't want to smoosh my car. Anyway, she decelerated until she almost stopped for absolutely no reason, so I passed her. She then promptly screamed at me out her car window and made obscene gestures. Why? Who the hell knows?! People are just... angry. Visit your local library sometime if you really want to see anger over nothing. Such as those who bitch and complain over how slow the FREE computers are or how their FREE book isn't currently on the shelf. You ever wait tables? You ever had someone make you cry and think you're worthless over some cold mashed potatoes? I have! It's ridiculous. If you wanted perfect potatoes that aren't instant (because you're at a freaking Perkins and there's no real potatoes in sight) you probably should cook them your own lazy self at home. Then when you try to microwave them, it's like the microwave degrades the food somehow (as if Perkins food isn't horrific enough) and they get all pissy. What do you want the waitress to do? Heat them with her laser eyes?

What I'm trying to say is, calm down people. We don't need to be so angry at each other. We don't need to insult someone's humanity because your big mac is taking 4 seconds longer than your last trip to McDonalds. People get so angry over nothing. Nothing. I have a theory. These people with anger issues have nothing worth caring about. Nothing truly meaningful to be angry about... like whole countries starving and people dying. No, they don't care about things like that. All they care about is themselves and getting their stupid blockbuster rental that damn well better be on the shelf. So... stop being angry, stop being selfish and stop making your local librarians want to hang themselves over your missing book.

Sunny, not to mention burning, California

I just got back from California. It was awesome but different... (differently awesome?) I had this idea in my head about what northern Cali would be like this time of year. Green. Lush. Grapes. But... not so much. California in the summertime is pretty much like the African savannah. Dry. Brown. But still grapes somehow. There's two types of California weather in late summer: sun and wildfire. I still loved it though and got to do a bunch of things I couldn't in Colorado. Like Cliff diving for example. Sure, you can cliff-dive here... but you'll get hypothermia from the water. If you can find water. Let alone water deep enough that you don't smash your dome on some pointy rocks. As I biked around Yosemite, I fell in love. Even if the waterfalls were all dried up, it was freaking gorgeous and I just wanted to fake my death and live there as a very happy hobo. I would recommend Yosemite to anyone and everyone unless you despise nature and/or giant granite monoliths. Or if you really, really hate big giant redwoods.
If you ever go to California, go to San Francisco. Just don't go to Chinatown. I've never been so scared of being mugged by an 80 year old crazy person in my life. But once you get to the "richie" section and you get to see all those pretty Victorian-looking houses all crammed together like an easy game of Tetris, you get over the scary crazy people. I still have yet to figure out the houses in frisco, as they look barely wide enough to admit a human being, let alone a couch or something on moving day. I'm not sure about the physics of the whole thing, but it seems to work somehow. Did I mention the cables that impede the view of the sky no matter where you are? Claustrophobics beware. It's kind of like being in a wierd tunnel. A tunnel with trolleys. But hey, if you lose your balloon after you step out of the Red Robin, at least there'll be something to catch it. All in all, if you can get over the haze of wildfire around everything, northern California really is beautiful. If you haven't gone, go.

Avada Kedavra-ed

I tried not to do it. It's ridiculous. Magic and wizards and little children running around in robes... but somewhere in college, I caved in. I read the damn books. Now I'm hooked. I'm sucked into the vortex and I can't get the hell out. Not that I want to get the hell out... I'm talking about, of course, Harry Potter. What is it about this book series that grabs us and pulls us so far in that there is no hope of escape? Few things give me goosebumps, but when I hear the stupid theme song for Harry Potter it's game over. I can't help it, I love it. The thing that gets you isn't necessarily the writing, but the characters. The writing is okay, and gets better and better as the series continues, but the characters have such an element of humanity to them that we can relate (even if we don't have that magic thing going for us). It's also cool because my generation grew up with them. They were a few years younger than us, but it didn't matter.

Even with all the supernatural stuff running around in the plot, there's still a very strong emotional attachment to the characters which makes this series unlike any fantasy books I've ever read. Magic is fun and stuff, but when people die in other fantasy books, I really really really don't care. It's more of a "oh, guess that sucks" moment instead of bawling over my copy of the Half Blood Prince at one in the morning because Dumbledore just got sent to that giant cauldron in the sky. It mattered. I was sad. Damn near depressed. That's why the books are good; I care. I freaking care what happens to the characters and that's more than I can say for a LOT of books that I've read. That's why I can't get out even if I tried. I've tried to write a few short stories but I could never form the emotional attachment to the characters that's so crucial to the reader. This attachment is what turns a "meh" story into an amazing story. Props to J.K. Rowling who just kept getting better as the years went by and ended up turning all of us into her minions.

Rage of the Road Variety

I never used to be an angry person. In fact, I don't really consider myself an angry person most of the time. But recently, I find myself wanting to stab people in the eye with a toothpick. Or perhaps many, many tiny needles. Can no one drive? Anyone? Anyone? Yeah, didn't think so. It all started with my recent Thursday commuting to Karate. It's not that far. An hour at most. That's unfortunately based on the assumption that traffic is, y'know, moving. Or it isn't raining. Or there isn't something shiny on the side of the road that everyone must slow down and look at. We live in Colorado people: land of insane blizzards and the occasional flash flood and you're going 30 on the interstate because it's sprinkling outside?! What is the problem? Why are there people who insist on being in the left lane when they're going the same speed as the slowest person on the interstate? Why? WHY?! All I wanna do is get to Karate before it's over at 10 and not get killed in the freaking process.

Now it's not just Thursdays. It's everyday. Yes, everyday I'm cut off by someone who then drives 10 miles below speed limit. Everyday I'm left white-knuckling the steering wheel because they just HAD to make that left-hand turn while I slam on my brakes to oblige their adrenaline rush or whatever the hell it was they were going for. They say more people die in car crashes than air planes every year. Yes, I believe that now.

I know that it could be worse... much worse. I've driven through Vegas. Los Angeles. Spring Hill Florida (don't laugh, you have NO idea). But seriously. This is madness. I'd rather be on the road surrounded by student drivers because at least they're trying to be careful. That's a lot more than I can say for the people I encounter just going to work everyday. I understand those with road rage now. Also, I have a paintball gun. Just throwing that out there next time anyone decides to cut me off, go slow and then flip me off when I pass them.

An Unhealthy Overactive Imagination?

I do this thing sometimes in my head. It's completely unhealthy and not the least bit rational. It's what you'd probably call "worst case scenario" thinking really. Here's how this goes down: So I'm in a cave the other day. We're crawling around in really tiny spaces, getting super muddy and I start to think: What if there's an earthquake and we get trapped? What if we run out of air down here and suffocate?! This is all despite the fact that, A. We live in Colorado and there aren't friggin earthquakes and B. We really weren't that far underground to run out of air... I mean, you could see sunlight most of the time. That's what I'm talking about. Or I'll be in a movie theater and start to think: If I was a terrorist, I'd totally infect the arm rests of a movie theater because it would spread really quick. How come they haven't thought of that one yet? What? Who thinks stuff like that?

Don't judge. Have you ever wondered how you would react if someone you loved died? You begin to play the whole scene out in your head; the phone call to your desk at work, how you would react and how you would be devastated and tragic at the funeral. You've done it. Don't lie. So why do we do this imagining of horrific things? Why when I'm in a crowded room do I think about what would happen if there were a fire? Or sudden volcano (I hate those sudden volcanoes)? I think it's because we want to mentally prepare ourselves for the horrific. I mean, if we never think about stuff like that, how are we going to be the hero in that situation? How can you save the bus full of nuns and children from rolling off the cliff if you never imagined how to do it in the first place?! You'd be totally unprepared! So see... I'm not irrational when I'm thinking of stuff like: What if I turn on the tapwater and nothing but spiders pours out? I'm prepared.

Ten Movies I Bawled at

I detest crying. Especially in front of people. Even when I'm in a dark theater where no one can really see me, I feel like the world knows that I'm crying. But that's what happens when you get all involved into the story! I couldn't help it. I was powerless! Here are the top 10 movies that have made me cry. Curse you hollywood and your emotional manipulation!

1. The Fox and the Hound. You know when the old lady has to leave Todd in the forest? When she's all singing about her heart and memories and junk? Yup. That right there.

2. Up. The first 10 minutes of this movie are so full of emotion. They never got to go on their trip... they never got to have a baby... so harsh!

3. Titanic. Who the hell didn't cry at that movie? (don't deny it, you SO did). I find it ironic that when thousands of people were dying and drowning, no tears... but when Leo dies, the floodgates opened. Very interesting.

4. Marley and Me. It hit too close to home. No one wants to see a dog put down. Not even an obnoxious one. Come to think of it, not even a rabid one (i.e. Ol' Yeller)...

5. Father of the Bride. I'm not married or engaged, but this movie made me wanna be! It made me cry because I think about how hard it must be for dads to finally let their little girls go.

6. Steel Magnolias. I don't know a chic out there who doesn't cry at this movie. Even though we've seen it a dozen times and we KNOW what's going to happen.

7. Little Women. Why, oh why does Jo have to die? It's so unnecessary! Curse you Louisa May Alcott for your sad, sad plot!

8. The Passion of the Christ. I think this movie experience pretty much went like this: Sit in chair. Cry for two and a half hours. The end.

9. Finding Neverland. When Kate Winslet finally gets to see Neverland... and then stays there.

10. The Lion King. I'm cool with it now, but when you're 10, and Mufasa gets trampled, it's totally game over.

There's probably more that I can't recall at the moment. Or am just refusing to acknowledge and type. I must admit though, I did get misty-eyed when the clone troopers carried out "order 66" in Episode 3...